do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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