got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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