dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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