I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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