I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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