mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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