did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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