Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
