Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
