ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
