I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
