I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Randomize
