someone threw a dead crab at me
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
