Got a toothbrush?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
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