just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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