At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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