i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
They are going to name an STD after you.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
