this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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