JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
