i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
