I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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