I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize