dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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