Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Its about making memories worth repressing
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
