Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
