I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
