The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
