Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
