Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
