This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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