dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
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