this beer tastes like vomit already
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
