dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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