worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Randomize
