I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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