I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
