what if every blade of grass was a penis?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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