I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
