I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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