She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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