A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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