Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
My breasts were aching with rage.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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