my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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