my phone needs a breathalizer
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
