Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
