Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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