Your face is a jimmy john
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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