Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
