I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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