i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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