I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
