Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
