somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
