i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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