i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
