I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
