I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
