I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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