The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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