Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Randomize
