I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
